Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Dating Advice, Part 1

When I was four years old, I had a classmate named Nikki whom I really admired. I had this giant crush, and I guess I thought the feeling was mutual. However, before the greatest affair of our pre-school class could ever come to be, I made a pre-emptive move. When Nikki’s mother showed up one day to pick Nikki up, I walked over and told her “I’m sorry ma’am, but I can’t marry your daughter because she isn’t Jewish.” I hope I didn’t offend Nikki or her mother too much, but at an early age, I had an understanding of what I wanted out of a partner.
Fast forward to my early twenties, and I still have a clearly defined picture of what I’m looking for. As far as my life goes, finding a Jewish girl to marry was always the priority. But as a young adult, there are other issues to worry about, like say, a career.
Career paths never worried me growing up. I had some ideas of what I wanted to do, but even leaving undergrad, I wasn’t too worried. Much to the dismay of my parents, I set up one interview before school ended, and if I didn’t get that job the plan was to go into stand-up comedy for a while and work eventually. My parents were delighted that the one interview worked out.
Now, as I study to get my MBA, career is the main focus of my life. I hardly get a chance to log onto JDate, and real life meeting is very limited due to time. However, I did think about dating as I went to an MBA conference last week.
The conference had a number of areas to help work on your resume, as well as elevator pitches, mock interviews, etc. One thing that boggles my mind about all this is how open people are to admitting they need help, and going to get it in terms of career growth. Careers and dating are the two big parts of young adulthood, and yet one is so much more of a taboo topic than the other. “Singles” events are always named otherwise in Dallas, and in order to get real advice on dating one has to do some serious searching. Googling “resume help” is a lot more helpful than googling “dating guidance”.
So why don’t we talk more openly about helping singles get better at what they’re doing? It’s not always a matter of finding the right person; we don’t say to people “that’s okay, you’ll get employed when the right employer accepts you for you”. We know people have to work to sell themselves for a job, doesn’t the same need to be a real conversation for dating? Come back next week for my answer, and in the meantime feel free to discuss in the comments!

Sunday, November 24, 2013

5 Key Ways Sex Changes for Older Men

What men over 45—and the women who love them—need to know.

One thing doesn’t change, older men’s—and women’s—ability to enjoy erotic pleasure. But with age, sex changes. It becomes less like the Fourth of July, and more like Thanksgiving. However, even without exploding fireworks, the erotic flames can still burn hot and bright—if older men adjust to the changes aging brings, and if women involved with older men understand what’s happening to their lovers.
When does a man become sexually “older?” It varies, but usually between 45 and 50. A medically problematic lifestyle, for example, smoking, typically accelerates the changes, and a healthy lifestyle may postpone them, but even men in robust health with exemplary lifestyles experience age-related sexual changes. Depending on the man, the changes may develop gradually or surprisingly suddenly, like within six months.

1. Erections become iffy.
After 45 and certainly by 50, erections rise more slowly and become less firm and reliable. Sexualfantasies are no longer enough to raise one. Men need fondling, and as they grow older, often increasing amounts of more vigorous stroking. It’s disconcerting to lose firmness and suffer wilting from minor distractions—a phone ringing—but these change are normal. Unfortunately, many men mistake them for erectile dysfunction (ED) and become anxious that they're nearing the end of the erotic ropes. This makes things worse. Anxiety constricts the arteries that carry blood into the penis, making erections even less likely.n addition, many medical conditions impair erections, accelerate age-related sexual changes, and contribute to ED: obesity, diabetes, heart disease, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, and lack of regular exercise.
True ED involves inability to raise an erection despite extended, vigorousmasturbation. If older men can still get hard solo, they don't have ED. They have normal (annoying, perhpas infuriating) erection changes. “Here’s my advice to older men with balky erections,” says Palo Alto, California, sex therapist Marty Klein, Ph.D, “Relax, breathe deeply, ask for the kind of touch that excites you, and instead of mourning what you’ve lost, focus on the pleasure you can still enjoy.”
Even true ED need not limit sexual pleasure, says retired Maryland anesthesiologist Ken Haslam, M.D., who teaches workshops on sex and aging, “Men don’t need erections to have orgasms. I’m 76, and I’ve had wonderful orgasms without erections from hand jobs and oral sex.”
2. Premature ejaculation (PE) may return.
PE is usually considered a young man’s problem, the result of over-excitement in young bucks starting to rut. But the landmark University of Chicago “Sex in America” study shows that many men—about one-third—report it throughout the lifespan, meaning that PE is men’s most common, most persistent sex problem. A recent scientifially rigorous survey shows that PE affects 31 percent of men in their fifties, 30 percent in their early sixties, 28 percent from 65 to 70, and 22 percent from 75 to 85.
PE has two major causes, anxiety and penis-centered sex. Anxiety makes the nervous system—including the nerves that trigger ejaculation—more excitable. Young men are often anxious about sex: Will she let me? How do I do this? The reason PE sometimes returns after 50 is that age-related erection changes make men anxious: Will I get hard? Will I stay hard? What the @#$% is happening to me?
Penis-centered sex puts more pressure on the little guy than he can handle. Our sexual culture is preoccupied with intercourse, which leads men of all ages to believe that erotic pleasure is located largely—or only—in the penis. It isn’t. Older men, in fact, all men, should embrace leisurely, playful, whole-body touching and sensual massage, which reduces anxiety and allows arousal to spread all over the body. This takes pressure off the penis and reduces risk of PE. It also pleases women, whose most common complaint about men’s lovemaking is that it’s too rushed and too genital focused.
3. Intercourse fades from the sexual menu.
Intercourse is fundamental to reproduction, but after the reproductive years, it becomes problematic. For older men, iffy erections and ED become increasingly prevalent. Meanwhile, older women, develop vaginal dryness and atrophy (thinning and inflammation of the vaginal lining), which can make intercourse uncomfortable or impossible, even with lubricant.
Older couples who remain sexual typically abandon intercourse in favor of what Haslam calls “outercourse,” whole-body massage, oral sex, and playing with sex toys. With creative outercourse, older couples can enjoy very erotic, orgasmic sex without intercourse
If women involved with older men want to feel "filled up," well-lubricated fingers and dildos are good alternatives. 
4. Surprisingly few older men use erection drugs.
The myth is that older men pop erection pills routinely. The truth is that few have even tried them, let alone become regular users. German researchers surveyed 3,124 older men, 40 percent of whom reported erection difficulties. Ninety-six percent could name an erection drug, but only 9 percent had ever tried one. Cornell researchers surveyed 6,291 older men, half of whom complained of erection problems. How many had tried a drug? Just 7 percent. As older lovers take intercourse off the sexual menu, men no longer need erections, so they don’t need erection drugs.
5. Men’s sexual pace becomes more like women’s.
Young men become aroused more quickly than young women, and many young women complain, “He’s all finished before I even feel aroused.” But older men take longer to feel turned on. The transition to slower arousal is disconcerting for many men, but it means that the sexual discord of youth can evolve into new sexual harmony. “Compared with young lovers,” explains Richard Sprott, Ph.D., a developmental psychologist at California State University, East Bay, in Hayward, “older couples are more sexually in synch. Couples who appreciate this can enjoy more fulfilling sex at 65 than they had at 25—even without erections and intercourse.”

Monday, November 18, 2013

Where Do I Meet Single Men If I’m In My 40s?

I am 44 years old and entering the dating scene again for the first time in 25 years. Where do you go to meet someone at my age? I am not doing the online singles sites…that is just scary to me. I don’t go to church. I am new in town, with a few happily married friends.I have four grown who are trying to set me up (I love them, but what a nightmare!!). What do single people do at 40 and over? So much of my time was taken up with caring for someone else that now I just don’t know how to fill that time. Any suggestions?

Thanks for highlighting an important principle for women over 40 seeking love:
You will not find it unless you do something differently.
You said it yourself. You’re new in town. Your friends are married. You don’t go to church. You won’t date online because it’s scary.
What do you expect me to tell you? No, really. What?
It’s about attracting men, understanding men, and making them want to stick around forever and ever. That’s what I do for my clients every single day.
Every day I get emails from women who want one-on-one dating coaching but don’t want to try online dating. I tell each one the same exact thing:
“If you’re dating a few men right now and can guarantee me that you’ll have at least one date a week for the duration of our time together, we can start coaching. If not, what exactly are we going to talk about for 12 weeks?”
They usually come back with a “Well, I thought, as a dating coach, you’d have some ideas on meeting men. Isn’t that what dating coaching is all about?”
No, that’s what articles in Marie Claire are all about:
“The Ten Top Spots to Meet Hot Guys!”
Here, I spared you the trouble of Googling it: The 14 Best Places to Meet Eligible Men
Without giving anything away, Loriann, here are the actual places that have been recommended by a site called AllWomensTalk: the bar, the market, online, church, the water cooler, newspapers, college, friends, the gym, restaurants, work, vacation, parks, airplanes.
Where does this leave you? Apparently, it means standing around a lot, hoping that a cute, age appropriate, interested single guy happens upon you at the bar, the market, college, the gym, restaurants, parks, and airplanes.
So if it’s not already abundantly clear, dating advice is not about WHERE to meet men. It’s about attracting men, understanding men, and making them want to stick around forever and ever. That’s what I do for my clients every single day.
As to where you meet men, yes, there’s one place that’s more effective in making introductions than 100 visits to Whole Foods and Art History class combined.
It’s called Localseniormatch.com  it’s open 24 hours a day, and it costs a lot less than getting on a plane and hoping to sit next to a 45-year-old eligible bachelor.
…if you won’t go outside your comfort zone, I can pretty much assure you that nothing’s going to change.
I highly suggest you get over your fear of online dating, not because it’s perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but because it’s ubiquitous and effective in creating opportunity. Rather than dip your toe in the water and give up because you’re intimidated, I highly encourage you to check out Finding the One Online, in which I hold your hand through the entire online dating process, from getting over your fears, to choosing a website, to writing a profile, to flirting with men and so on.
You don’t have to be single if you don’t want to be, Loriann. But if you won’t go outside your comfort zone, I can pretty much assure y

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Over-40 dating in Rochester can be challenging

Finding and exploring relationships can be challenging when you're older
A group of women sitting at a Rochester coffee shop were listening closely. Christine “Cricket” Ronan was giving them tips on how to get back in the dating game“Don’t give them any information about yourself!” advises the 50-year-old Brighton interior designer and mother of two grown children to other women over 45 who are looking for advice.Whether widowed, divorced or never married, women are trying to define how they want their next relationships to look — if they can find someone to date — and how to define the dating terrain. They want to set some guidelines for themselves before they meet someone.Some are meeting people at dinner parties or at bars that cater to middle-aged clientele. Others are comfortable with online dating services such as LocalSeniorMatch.com and Seniorsmatch.net
.Carmen Coleman, 51, a Fairport financial planner divorced for 12 years, has been dating for two years. She’s decided against the online route because she says she can’t get a true picture of what a person is like.“It’s too risky to initially meet someone online,” says Coleman, who has three children, ages 16, 19 and 25. “Meeting through a mutual friend is OK. It takes two years of dating someone to really know them.”She met one man at work, another at church (who later reached out to her via Facebook). She, like many others, likes for a first date to be in a public place. She also is trying to reconcile old-fashioned ideals — for example, that the man pays the bill in most instances — with modern expectations.Although surveys continually show that more people meet potential partners at work than anywhere else, Ronan will not date co-workers because she says it could get too complicated.“If you want to enjoy working where you do, and have respect for your co-workers, it’s unfair to them when there are interoffice shenanigans,” says Ronan, who is divorced and has been dating again for two years.Instead, she prefers to rely on social activities with friends: “Just being out and about — going to a restaurant, dinner parties or weddings with friends and friends of friends.”
    Yet for those who need some help, those on the dating scene suggest finding groups to join. That way, you meet someone with common interests LocalSeniorMatch.comhas at least 100 groups in the Rochester area, from dog owners to hikers, Spanish speakers or those interested in the paranormal. Go to localseniormatch.com and check the bottom of the page for activities this week.One Meetup group, Single Mingle, targets “single, widowed, divorced and married men and women who are over the age of 50.” It’s not a dating group but plans activities, keeping mobility issues and interests in mind.“Senior Mingle fills a niche that hasn’t been filled before,” says co-organizer Peg Todisco, 70, a retired kindergarten teacher. The group has more than 100 members who pay a $5 fee to join.Another, Parents Without Partners, is for people over 45.Rochester Fun Raisers (hotmaturewoman.org) targets those 40 and older.Cultural groups and events also can provide some people a comfortable meeting place.Stacey Bershod, 51, of Rochester enjoys visiting the Garden Vibes concerts at George Eastman House in the summer, where guests bring picnics, blankets and lawn chairs.“You can sit with a group or by yourself and feel comfortable,” says Bershod, a human resources professional, who adds that dating in your 50s and 60s is much different from dating in your 20s and 30s.“I also have looked at Match.com and should try it,” Bershod says. “But as my friend described it, it’s like a job — it’s like writing a book — and I have to determine how much time I want to put into it. It has been successful for two of my friends who are now married to someone they met on Match.”When people are older, relationships are more complicated. Both people bring emotional baggage, family obligations and financial obligations, plus differing ideas, and possible concerns, about sexual performance, says Anne Graham, 63, a mental health counselor and a divorced mother of a 26-year-old from Penfield.
      Graham finds going out with groups of friends the most comfortable way to meet men. She believes that the best way to start “is by making single friends. That way, you have enjoyable people with whom to go out and explore old favorite activities and try new ones. You have to create a new life based on being single — and that takes effort, but it’s fun and exciting.”Brighton social worker Miriam Gale also recommends pursuing interests and activities that are enjoyable, not that you feel will lead to a date. Finding a sense of self — and approaching relationships with confidence and integrity — are easier when you are in a comfortable situation and a must for successful dating.Gloria Morgan, 55, of Rochester, the mother of three grown children and a school administrator, started dating in 2009 after her divorce was final.“I didn’t want to play a game; I just didn’t have time for it,” she says. “I had phone contact — mainly on the phone —– with several men. Two were face to face.”These contacts defined what she did not want, she says. She decided she wanted her dating to be about companionship, “someone to see the movies with.”“I think the biggest challenge for older people who are dating,” she says, “is that you’re set in your ways. You have to be willing to adjust and change.”

Monday, November 11, 2013

Over 50 and Looking for Love? New Dating Site for the Older Crowd

Mention SeniorMatch and most people think of Social Security, Medicare and senior discounts. Now the group is getting into the dating business.
The organization has launched an online dating channel, and an online dating site for the over-50 crowd. It can be found at localseniormatch.com
“LOCALSENIORMATCH wanted to get into the game because one, we know isolation is a very big issue for our members as they age,” said Nataki Edwards, Vice President of Digital Strategies and Operations atLOCALSENIORMATCH. Edwards said a quarter of the group’s 37 million members are single and many have been asking the organization to help them link up with others.
“It’s not necessarily about getting married,” Edwards told ABC News. “It’s about the companionship and having fun things to do with someone else.”
LocalSeniorMatch’s new venture is not the first dating site geared toward this age group. It’ll be competing with hotmaturewoman.org, which bills itself as the premier online 50+ dating service. LocalSeniorMatch is partnering with SeniorMatch.com, whose philosophy is to get people out on dates early on to see if they hit it off, rather than spending a lot of time getting to know each other online, only to find there’s no chemistry when they meet in person. Edwards calls it “dating like they used to date.”
That appeals to Shelley Kilburn, who describes herself as a “54-year-old SWF (single white female).” Kilburn said she likes the idea of meeting face-to face, telling ABC News, “When you talk to someone in person you get a better image or feeling, you have that ability to use a (woman’s intuition), that sixth sense.”
Kilburn, a Southern California resident and a former news colleague of this reporter, has been divorced for five years. She hasn’t tried online dating yet, but says she might gravitate to an LocalSeniorMatch site because to her the group has a trustworthy “history and reputation, (so) I would be comfortable.”
Carol Siflinger agrees, writing in response to a Facebook question about the new site, “It is a great idea! I would hope singles going to this site would be of a better caliber than ‘meat market’ sites!”
For those 50 and older, trying to date again can be daunting.
“It’s not so easy for people because many of them haven’t dated for 30 years or more”, said relationship expert Pepper Schwartz, who’s written extensively on sexuality. Schwartz, who is also LocalSeniorMatch’s Love and Relationship Ambassador, says online dating can be especially unnerving. “Honestly, I think most of them go kicking and screaming. They wouldn’t do this if there was another option.”
Schwartz, who is 67, says she met her fiancé online. “It’s not easy: you have to work at it. You have to be resilient.” Of course, Schwartz adds, that’s not necessarily age-related. “Who ever found dating easy,” she says, “even when they were younger?”
Looking for a companion online worked wonderfully for Becky Hedlund Lemaire, of Breaux Bridge, La., who met her husband of six years through an online service. She says no matter which dating site you rely on, it’s important to take safety seriously.
“Always meet in public”, says Lemaire, “Don’t give out personal information and make sure someone knows where you are going to meet.”
LOCALSENIORMATCH has tips too for the more mature dater — the group suggests you don’t spend the first date talking only about your children or grandchildren, or your aches and pains. The organization says its new online dating channel will help with dating advice.
Those popular senior discounts will come into play too. LOCALSENIORMATCH is offering a seven-day free trial, then half off the dating service price for its members.
LocalSeniorMatch’s Edwards said she won’t be using the new service because “I am married myself.” However, she laughs, “I have sent it to every single friend that I have who is looking.”


Vaughan, ON – Finding love at any age can be stressful. These days, the Internet dating sites seem to be owned by twenty-something’s. Searchingsenior.com has been helping singles over 50 and over 60 find love for more than five years. The website was just updated to make it easier to use, so seniors can move right on to finding the love of their lives. Signing up is free at searchingsenior.com.

“We are very proud of the updates that we put onto the website. It has always been a great site, but now it’s even better. Easier to use and much more complete, Searchingsenior.com is the Internet’s #1 over 50 dating site.” – Matt, Manager, Seerachingsenior.com
Searchingsenior.com offers not only an automated matching service, but Senior Counselor, email, greeting cards, a senior fashion show and a blog with lots of information about dating and love. The site is free to join and users can either use the system to find a partner or can simple browse through the profiles of seniors in their area or around the world.
“I wasn’t sure about using a website to find a partner. I figured I would try Searchingsenior.com since it was free and I felt I was ready to start again. After about three weeks, I went on my first date. I had a blast. Then two months later, I met the man I would fall in love with, Peter. That was four years ago. Thanks for helping me feel this way again.” – Rachel W., Victoria, BC
Searchingsenior.com is the leading over 50 dating site for local and worldwide dating. It’s free to join and browse for singles over 50. Whether people are looking for a friend, a companion, a lover or a life partner, Searchingsenior.com is the ideal senior dating site for over 50 and over 60 singles to meet and share.
If you would like more information about this topic, please visit: http://www.localseniormatch.com
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